ʿnḫ n Brj3n

Any flaws in this Egyptian are my own errors. I am not an Egyptologist, just a big fan of both Egypt and languages. Besides, the point is mostly to be funny, not teach you Egyptian grammar. (And yes, ꜥnn is a valid imperative, but it’s funnier this way.)

Medjay. What’s this then? rmṯw wpj=tj m rn Kmt šm=sn pꜣ pr? ‘People called Egyptians they go the house’?

Brian. It — it says ’Egyptians go home!’

Medjay. No it doesn’t. What’s Egyptian for ‘Egyptian’? Come on, come on!

Brian. Ahh! Kmtw?

Medjay. Like an agent noun?


Medjay. Plural of Kmtj is …?


Medjay (writing right to left). Km … tj … w. šm? What is šm?

Brian. ‘Go’!

Medjay. Conjugate the verb ‘to go’.

Brian. Uh, šm. Uhh, šm.j, šm.k, šm.ṯ, šm.f, šm.s, šm.n, šm.ṯn, šm.sn.

Medjay. So šm.sn is …

Brian. Uh, uh, third person plural, imperfective! ‘They go’.

Medjay. But ‘Egyptians go home’ is an order, so you must use the …

Brian. Aaaaahh, the imperative!

Medjay. Which is …

Brian. Uuumm, oh! um, šm! šm!

Medjay. But home is sending them back?

Brian. Aaahh different verb, ꜥnn, ꜥnn!

Medjaypꜣ pr? Definite article? ‘Go home’, this is motion towards, isn’t it boy?

Brian. Yes, yes sir!

Medjay. And tell them “toward your home”, not “to a house”?

Brian. Uh, uh, ẖnw.ṯn! And dative!

[Medjay draws sword and holds it to Brian’s throat.]

Brian. Oooohh, not dative, not the dative sir! No, ah, oh, the prospective, prospective! Uh, r ẖnw.ṯn, sir! ꜥnn r ẖnw.ṯn!

Medjay. Except that ꜥnn is a …

Brian. Second geminate verb, sir!

Medjay. So its imperative is …


Medjayꜥn. Understand? ꜥn r ẖnw.ṯn Kmtjw.

Brian. Yes sir!

Medjay. Now write it out a hundred times.

Brian. Yes sir! Thank you sir, life prosperity and health to His Incarnation, sir!

Medjay. To His Incarnation, life prosperity and health. And if it’s not done by sunrise, I’ll wrap your body in a sheepskin.

Brian. Oh, thank you sir, thank you sir, life prosperity health and everything sir!